This Week: Why The Humble House Cat Is As Irresistible As George Clooney
I have a confession to make. My name is Vickie and I am a Crazy-Cat-Lady.
When I go to the grocery store, the biggest item in my cart is cat litter. The tap in my bathroom is never quite 100 per cent turned off, just in case his majesty has an impromptu desire to cleanse his palate. And I have to confess – grizzly as it may be – to having occasionally discovered a stray cat hair in my morning cereal.
Yes, I admit it. When it comes to Cat-Lady-Craziness, I’m a few pawns short of the full chess set.
The object of my crazy affections? Dave the Cat, an astonishingly handsome marmalade tabby with the heart of a lion and a penchant for belly rubs.
And my Crazy-Cat-Lady issue this week? Gorgeous George.
This week, fellow Crazy-Cat-Ladies-and-Gentlemen, this Crazy-Cat-Lady is not feeling so hot.
Oh woe is me, in fact.
Why am I not my usual perky cat-crazy self? Well, the news is out that George Clooney has popped the question to his girlfriend. C’est fini: Gorgeous George is officially off the market.
And to make matters worse, she’s so absolutely frickin’ perfect... Some sort of annoyingly immaculate superwoman Clooney-magnet. Amal Alamuddin studied at Oxford University; she’s fluent in French, Arabic and English; she specializes in international law, human rights, extradition and criminal law; she has been appointed to numerous U.N. commissions; she is an advisor to former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan on Syria; and last year, a blog that tracks what it calls – ahem – "barrister hotties", voted her London's hottest female barrister.
And she’s got impossibly shiny hair.
I think I may have just thrown up, a little bit, in my mouth.
Apparently Gorgeous George prepared a home-cooked dinner for this ethereal goddess-like creature before getting down on one knee and thrusting a seven carat diamond onto her ethereal goddess-like finger.
Oh the pain!
And with that, millions of women across the globe – a large proportion of which are most probably Crazy-Cat-Ladies, let’s be honest – were crushed.
So I must swallow the bitter pill that, alas, Gorgeous George is not to be mine... And those Sunday night ER-DVD-athons in my PJs will never be quite the same again.
But where does Dave the Cat come into this mess?
Well, firstly, Dave the Cat has a lot in common with Gorgeous George. In fact, he is something of a George Clooney of the cat world. Charming, debonair and irresistible to women of all ages – just like Gorgeous George, Dave the Cat has an effortless superstar twinkle in his eye.
Secondly, when it comes to relationships, often, the relationship a Crazy-Cat-Lady has with her cat is simpler and more satisfying than the relationships on offer from members of the opposite sex. And I’m sure that even includes charming, debonair and irresistible movie stars.
The reasons for this are countless: Your cat will listen to your problems as if he really cares, without interruption. He won’t leave you waiting by the phone and he never sends inappropriate Facebook messages to other women. “Meow” is never a lie and he never makes you watch sports. If you leave him alone in the house, you know that he’s not going to call up all of his friends and invite them over for beer. Unlike a lot of men, your cat actually matures as he grows up. His shots are more likely to be up to date, and if you so wish, you can legally neuter him.
The only tail he’s chasing around probably belongs to a toy mouse, and you don’t even object if he brings home a different bird every night...
Yes, when it comes to matters of the heart, a gal can count on her cat. Dave the Cat may have a roving eye (yep, I’ve seen him seductively rubbing his cheek against a few of my friends’ naked calves – all perky-tail-and-purrs) but he will never, ever – EVER – propose marriage to some frinkin’ perfect ethereal goddess-like creature with an excellent record in human rights law and impossibly shiny hair.
On that, I can count.
But George, if you’re out there, just in case it doesn’t work out, I want you to know that my number is 604...