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This Week: “I Do. And So Does My Cat”

catCreativecommons.org/ali graney

I have a confession to make. My name is Vickie and I am a Crazy-Cat-Lady.

My computer desktop features a slideshow of pictures of my cat. My Amazon wish-list is full of cat-related items. And I quite often change the lyrics of songs on the radio so that they include my cat’s name.

I’m crazy about my cat, and I love it when people call me a lady, so I guess I must be a Crazy-Cat-Lady.

And when it comes to Cat-Lady-Craziness, I’m definitely a few apples short of the full orchard.

The object of my crazy affections? Dave the Cat, an astonishingly handsome marmalade tabby with the heart of a lion and a penchant for belly rubs.

And my Crazy-Cat-Lady issue this week? Cat Weddings.

Now, before you start freaking out, I’m not talking about cats actually pledging matrimony to each other. I’m not quite that crazy yet. I’m talking about brides who get their cats involved in their wedding plans.

Yep, I’m going to cross that craziness line.

As any self-respecting Crazy-Cat-Lady knows, the worlds of romance and cat-craziness can regularity collide. When it comes to matters of the heart, it really is a case of Love Me; Love My Cat for us feline-loving ladies of questionable sanity. That’s just the way it is.

So it really isn’t such a shock when kitty-themed invitations, cat-shaped wedding cakes and pussy place cards start to sneak into a bride-to-be’s imagination. The trick is not to let it get out of hand.

To demonstrate, I’m going to tell you this really heartwarming Crazy-Cat-Lady story that I heard this week about a beautiful bride in New York. Whereas she didn’t go full-out-bonkers with a cat-themed frock or whiskers make-up – yes, it has been done. The pics are all over the internet to prove it. And they’re pretty bad; they even make me shudder – she did gently and demurely incorporate her faithful Pussy Prince into the affair in two subtle ways.

Firstly, on the back of her order of service, she featured a cute little picture of her beloved Puddy-Boy. Nothing overwhelming or tacky, you understand. This was not in-your-face-cat-craziness. This was unassuming, decorous-and-gracious-cat-craziness.

And secondly – and this is my favourite part – at the end of her big day, as the chauffeur was driving the couple from the reception to their fancy hotel room, she asked him to do a short detour to her apartment. There, she took care of two vital necessities: 1. A quick call of nature; and 2. A quick cuddle with her cat.

And that was it. That’s all it took: She was now fully ready to start her new life as a married woman.

In my mind, this Crazy-Cat-Lady is the cat’s whiskers. She didn’t impose silly feline-themed napkins upon her guests or force childish cat-shaped fluffy toys into her bouquet. She simply managed to include her Cooty-Pooty into her big day in an unobtrusive way. On the Cat-Lady-Craziometer, she was hitting a favourable two-out-of-ten, which is noble, modest and elegant.

And thank heaven she didn’t metamorphosize into that most fearsome of creatures: The Catzilla.

It can be a slippery slope, after all.

The Catzilla is a terrifying brute that comes growling out of its crazy-cage when a bride-to-be mutates into a most unnatural hybrid of a Bridezilla and a Crazy-Cat-Lady.

It dresses up defenceless felines in top hats and white dresses. It screams at wedding planners about cat-themed canapés. And sometimes it just stops communicating altogether and hisses instead.

It’s intimidating, frightful, terrible and ghastly. Unpleasant and loathsome. Put it in a white dress and it’s downright macabre.

So, if you are ever invited to a wedding by a Catzilla, politely decline. It’s quite easy, because you can spot the invitation a mile off. It probably has a picture of a two cats on the front – one wearing a tuxedo and one wearing a white veil. And it probably has something like: ‘We’re Getting Meowied!’ emblazoned along the top.

Shudder.

No matter how much you love cats, run, my friend, run...

You have been warned.

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