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This Week: Cat Poo On A Pillow Can Never Be A Good Thing

tabbyCreativecommons.org/Austin Kirk

I have a confession to make. My name is Vickie and I am a Crazy-Cat-Lady.

Every day my cat and I have deep and meaningful conversations about the meaning of life. I have an unhealthy enjoyment of cat-themed fashion accessories. I do realize that it’s not cool, but I’m a slave to it. And if it wasn’t for those sticky lint rollers, I would probably never make it out in public ever again.

Yes, I admit it. When it comes to Cat-Lady-Craziness, I’m a few cards short of the full deck.

The object of my crazy affections? Dave the Cat, an astonishingly handsome marmalade tabby with the heart of a lion and a penchant for belly rubs.

And my Crazy-Cat-Lady issue this week? The unspeakable horror that is Cat Separation Anxiety.

We are used to hearing about Dog Separation Anxiety, but many people assume that cats are solitary creatures who don’t suffer from Separation Anxiety. But they do, and it can be an ugly business.

The symptoms? Well, for starters, there’s the urinating or defecating on your bed.

Urgh, I know.

However, before you assume that this as a demonic attack, consider this: These actions are a soothing way for your cat to quickly mix his scent with yours. It’s a stress relieving exercise that’s designed to help your cat feel closer to you. Yep, that’s right; he’s tinkling on your duvet and poo-ing on your pillowcase because he loves you. LOVES you.

Awwwh...

He may also become excessively vocal, stop eating, scratch at the door you left from and throw up while you’re gone – symptoms that certainly aren’t anywhere near as unpleasant as a poo-ey pillowcase, I admit, but they’re not a walk in the park either.

To alleviate the problem, enrich your cat’s environment with toys and puzzle feeders, place a cat tree in front of the window, participate in daily play sessions and leave the radio on when you leave, so that the music works as a buffer to any scary noises from the outside world. Heck, you can even buy ‘Video Catnip’ DVDs to entertain your cat while you’re gone.

However, despite all that, I still have a problem.

You see, it’s not Dave the Cat who suffers from Cat Separation Anxiety: It’s me.

Dave the Cat couldn’t give a hoot. He ignores me when I leave my apartment and he ignores me when I return to my apartment. Unless I return at dinner time: If it’s dinner time he acts all cute to lure me into the kitchen.

When I return home, his cat toys have been carelessly distributed all over my apartment. His fluffy chicken is on my bed. His white mouse is in my bathroom. And his neon pink snake is in my closet.

Dave the Cat has been having a good time home alone, I can tell. He’s something of a Ferris Bueller of the cat world. He probably called up all his friends and invited them all round for catnip in his cat condo while I was gone. That would explain why he’s usually snoozing in his cat basket when I return.

No, the problem is me. I suffer from Cat Separation Anxiety.

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to tinkle on Dave’s duvet, or poo on his pillow, but I really do miss him when I’m not at home.

And unfortunately, no amount of cat DVDs, puzzles or Super 70s FM radio is going to cure me.

I may have 67 photos and 42 videos of him in my iPhone, but they don’t really help, because nothing can replace the feeling I get when my boobah-boy snuggles into my side and purrs like a big furry bagpipe.

Maybe I don’t want a cure. Maybe – just maybe – I’m like Diana Ross in that song that they play on Super 70s FM, Love Hangover:

‘Ah, if there's a cure for this, I don't want it; Don't want it, If there's a remedy, I'll run from it, from it; Think about it all the time; Never let it out of my mind; 'Cause I love you.’

Welcome to the dark, inner workings of the mind of a Crazy-Cat-Lady. Scary, isn’t it? You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Woops, look what I’ve done now. My singing has disturbed Dave the Cat from his cat nap. He doesn’t look impressed. He looks grumpy; you could even say surly. In fact, I could almost swear that he wants me to get out of the apartment and give him some peace and quiet...

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